[	Current Mood	|	okay	]
[	Current Music	|	you know what they do to guys like us in prison :: m.c.r.	]

so the other night, i was up increadibly late, and watching MTV, and i saw My Chemical Romance's music video, and i instantaneously fell in love with them. i mean, i had seen them on Conan before, and heard their music, and when i heard them, i really liked them. now, i absolutely love them. maybe i just get too obsessed about new music sometimes, i don't know.  either way, they're sort of out of the music genre that i listen to, but i technically don't feel that i have a definable music genre that i strictly stick to. anyways, i like em. also, on the music topic, i think that everyone should listen to the new Gwen Stefani CD... i know it seems lame, but i know for a fact that people that don't listen to that pop shit really like it. it's pretty stellar! listen to "hollaback girl" more than once. you'll like it the second time you hear it. i think her CD really improves the more you listen to it.

today is a good day. so was yesterday. i'm trying to have a whole slew of good days, in a row! so far, i'm pretty successful. now, i just have to finish my film project, and life will be even more excellent.

[	Current Mood	|	listless	]
[	Current Music	|	the blower's daughter :: damien rice	]

i was thinking about jason, earlier.  why do i do this?  i really have no clue.

i need a cigarette.

[	Current Mood	|	happy	]
[	Current Music	|	delicate :: damien rice	]

alrighty. two nights ago (tues), my absinthe came into my possession! it took six whole days. air mail is definitly worth getting a new whole ripped into my body... financially of course. so... what did i do? i had people over to drink on a tuesday night, not informing my roommates that i would have five individuals come over to drink. baaaaad move. anyways, i felt that it was well worth the consequences... as self-serving as they were. i got high after dropping people off, and it was the BEST thing ever. seriously. absinthe+weed=greatness. i felt the world was wonderful and could do me no wrong. i can see why artists alike all enjoyed absinthe in their time.

on wednesday, amber and i had a chit-chat... it was really good actually, because it totally cleared the air of some static that i felt was looming over our heads (and everyone knows i'm pretty non-confrontational) and she's a)my best friend and b)one of the coolest people i know, so it was all good. clearing the air is such a good thing. plus, it really put things into perspective for me... how depressed i can get, how i act increadibly different when i am depressed, how i effect people when i'm that way, and how much having a heart-to-heart with someone can really make a difference, and make me (and them) feel much better. she was worried about my reckless habits and decisions and how they seem to be damaging to my very positive outlook on life. so true. she's a great friend. not to say that my other friends aren't great, but she's around me the most these days, and she has a lot of influence on me, because we're so close and similar. we walked together to our classes and talked more, and then when i got home from my film dis, i thanked her a lot for talking to me.  later on, wed evening, i went over to patti's... we did the usual, and smoked and watched tv. we were both exhausted... me because i was getting little sleep, and i just think she was tired.

today was a relatively good day. i didn't go to my logic discussion... fuck that shit. i know logic, and right now it's super easy! why should i go to discussion, besides my attendance counting toward my grade? oh well, next time i'll go. i think. i went to sociology.. jes was sick, so i did it solo--no biggie. then we went to art history dis and lec... the professor that teaches art history 102 is increadibly nuts. seriously! she's just really odd.. the way she says chiaroscuro makes me giggle. and jes. and todd, a friend of jes's. i'm sorry, but she does say it with an increadibly thick wisconsin, old woman, accent. it's hilarious!!  then i just went home and was increadibly lazy, and bored, because everyone else already had plans. finally adrian called me, and i picked him up (after it took me ungodly long to get ready... i wanted to look nice!) and we hit up roshambo for a while and had some coffee. then we went to his place and had a glass of absinthe and just chatted. he was on oxy too, so he was pretty tired, and eventually after talking for a while, i went home. so here i am!

i'm feeling a lot better. i mean, mentally. that talk helped me out, plus, i sort of concluded that i need to settle down a bit, and really concentrate on getting this fuckin' 4.0 that will be the death of me. also, my dad came on wed night to help me set up a mini studio in my basement so i could take slides of my artwork to apply to Rhode Island School of Design at the end of march... so much work, but it'll definitly pay off if i get accepted!

ok, i'm takin' off... i have to concentrate on drinking my absinthe!

[	Current Mood	|	melancholy	]
[	Current Music	|	everything's not lost :: coldplay	]

lately, i've had this overwhelming sense that i just don't belong, and i'm completely alone. like, the other night, i just wanted to die. i didn't necessairly want to kill myself, i just wanted something in the cosmic universe to kill me... i just basically feel this sinking feeling in my stomach and heart. i was contemplating what to do next year, and i felt that i was totally uncapable of making these big decisions, and that instant i thought that i might as well just die because, oddly enough, i would rather die than make these decisions, simply because..... i don't know. ugh, i can't even express my thoughts clearly. emotions are always hard to describe to people... they aren't tangable, and everyone may not feel the same way when experienceing that feeling. but i'm sure, if anyone has thought about dying, etc, they might know what i'm talking about. i just think i'm increadibly depressed. really, really depressed, but good at hiding it. at least, i think so. i think i just need a good and positive change. i'm a natural optimistic... but, when i'm alone and feeling myself, i just want to die. maybe it's just a funk i'm in, or maybe if i get a good sleep.. it may just blow over. i don't understand myself anymore. i either feel that i am depressed, or i have borderline personality disorder. i don't know. whatever it is, i don't want to go through all the time and energy it takes to kill myself, but i just have this weird desire to perish. maybe i'm just waaayyy too emo! i'm not even worth the energy it takes to kill myself. haha. wow, i'm funny even when i'm talking about how depressed i am.

i'm just babbling. don't worry.

[	Current Mood	|	jubilant	]
[	Current Music	|	hollaback girl :: gwen stefani	]

what can i say? i just had one of the best nights ever.  i got done with class at 7, and Adrian had called me earlier to hang out later, so i called him, and he came over. i had made spaghetti with pesto sauce and sauteed bok choy... mmmmmm.. for dinner, enough for the two of us. anyways, so he eventually got here, and we sat around and watched tv and hung out it my room. a friend of his called and told us about a party where they were giving out free jello shots. so, we're totally up for it... i mean, who can resist the word "free"??? no one! we go to the dorms to pick up the girls, and go to the party.

let me just say, this is one of the most beautiful houses ever. we all had several jello shots, several beers, and a few mixed drinks. we were in the billiards room and played pool, then we just walked around and drank.. Adrian and I snuck out to my car to smoke a few bowls and jammed out to Gwen Stefani's new cd (it's increadible, trust me!), and we returned back to the party.  Adrian ended up making out with one of the girls, who is in his choir, buuuut dosen't know he's.. uh... not exactly straight. hahaha, oh Adrian.  I told him he was hot enough to talk his way out of the situation. then he made out with her friend. which, was actually a good move on his part (if you need explaining, ask me.. i don't want too many tangents to this story). so he and i went up to the theater in the attic... yeah, there was a theater... and watched the ONE movie that was there... Caddy Shack....which i had never seen before... and still haven't seen the whole movie. he continued to make out with the girls... i didn't mind it because i had made out with him drunk before, so it wasn't new territory. plus he's so fucking funny... oh man. anyways, we eventually wanted to get the hell out of there, because the girls were obliterated and one was an RA.. plus this guy was so god damn annoying and attempting to talk to me about our relationship in the fucking cosmic world, and had everything all wrong. i totally verbaly dueled his ass-- AND WON! what else do you expect?! even when i'm drunk, i have a fuckin' sharp ass mind (when i need to use it). so we basically had to drag the girls out (they were making out with boys) and i had to say bye to the tool, and wish the birthday boy, Noah, one good one, and thanked him (he was a good host, and really nice too), and for god's sakes, we were on our way. 

we dropped off the girls at the dorms and then came to my place. Adrian and I had to both use the bathroom, and we wanted to warm up before we smoked a bowl outside, and then i drove him home. in the process of getting to the bathroom, he slammed one of the doors open and it hit my roommate's room, and she woke up. what a drunken fool! oh well, that's what you get for being a light sleeper and greedy bitch and need the room that is specific to your needs, and just happens to be where it's the LOUDEST in the house... right by the front door and living room, and kitchen. idiot.

anyways, i got back home, and i was fucked up beyond belif, and i liked it. i wanted to watch Donnie Darko, but i felt as though i couldn't even concentrate that well, so i decided against it, and just ended up passing out in my bed.

it was a good night, and Adrian is definitly in my top favorite people list.. tied with about three people for number one. plus, he told me that i was one of his good friends that he's met in college so far... awww. he's definitly pretty god damn stellar!

now, i have to get ready for work... a funeral thingy (odd) and then jesters (horny old drunken men). what a weird shift combination! well, i need $, so i am not going to complain. plus, the more i work, the better chances that i get to hit on chef al. teehehe... what can i say? i have a corrupt mind.

cw: 175

gw:145

all before spring break, juuuust incase.